Less Than Two Weeks

It just hit me. Just now, at 1:31 in the morning, it just became real that I have less than two weeks until I leave for Spain. Less than 10 days, actually, assuming my countdown (see below) is correct, and it is very possible it is off by a few hours. I've been spending all my evenings in this past week watching movies in Spanish. Mostly of the Harry Potter variety.

I had another dream in Spanish. Which sounds really impressive, and everyone keeps telling me that that's how I know I'm becoming fluent, but what do they know? I have had 3 thus far that I can remember, and if you couldn't guess, I'm about to tell you about all three, and I know, I know, that's THREE whole dreams you have to read about, but if you're already reading this, you're probably family or a friend, so, you know, suck it up. Don't be lazy.

Okay, so the first one was in a shoe store. All I remember is some fleeting images from the store, and the word "zapato," which means "shoe." The second one was about six months ago, and in it, I overheard an argument break out between two guys (they were speaking spanish) and it turned into a fight. And I had to break it up (fancy that). The third dream, which happened sometime last week, evades me. I just remember Spanish, and not being able to understand it. Which is both strange and frustrating. How can my brain create words that it perceives as actual conversation with meaning, but not understand the meaning of? It seems psychologically impossible. If I can't speak Spanish in my waking life, then the made-up people inside my dreams sure as hell shouldn't be able to speak Spanish while I'm asleep.

So this is what I meant when I asked, "what do they know?", referring to the people who tell me that I'm becoming fluent. I'm kind of dreaming in Spanish, but not really. I mean, it's just Spanish-sounding conversation that I'm not actually able to make sense of. Much like any of my encounters with Spanish speakers in real life.

It's crunch times like these that make you think back, and even though you studied for every test and got good grades in every class, you wonder what you didn't do, but could have done, to better prepare yourself. Or is that just me? Every time I spoke English in class, every time I read a book in English, every movie or TV show I watched, was all in English but could have been in Spanish. I worked hard, and I know that. My grades prove it. But I only have 9 days left before everything I say, every book I read, every movie and TV show I watch will be in Spanish. All of it. I'm beginning to doubt my ability more than ever, which is really saying something, because I've always been timid when it came to speaking Spanish. I just keep thinking, after 7 formal classes, I feel like I should be better at this by now. Have you ever taken a class, and there was that one student who just seemed impossibly ignorant? You'd think, "How did you ever get to this level without knowing...(insert essential piece of knowledge here)?" Well, that's me. At least that's how it feels; I've never actually been told this. I know I was never the worst in any of my classes, but I was far from the smartest.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm scared. Every thing I do that can be done in Spanish, I've been doing it in Spanish. This may sound like a lot, but when considering about 100% of the people I talk to speak English and I have a job where I'm required to read and speak in English, Spanish really doesn't take up much of my time. I'm at the point where I haven't read anything in English in weeks. I've watched maybe 4 or 5 hours of American TV in a long time (that may be an exaggeration, but hey, how much Spanish have YOU absorbed in the past 2 weeks?). The only way I can describe it is mentally exhausting. It reminds me of the last day of finals when you'd watch your first TV show for a month. It's a difficult feeling to describe, but it's pure relief. That's how I feel when I switch back to English. This makes it harder to prepare myself to lose that when I go to Spain. Let me paint you a picture: I've always thought of my two languages as a switch inside my head. It's like a light switch, but off is English, and on is Spanish. When the switch is flipped to Spanish, I'm 100% Spanish, and the same is true for English. For instance, one time while in Spanish class, I saw "Apollo 13" written somewhere. In my head I read it as a Spanish speaker would read it, which sounds like "apoyo." Just as I thought to myself, "To the chicken? What does that mean?" I realized that it was supposed to sound like "Apollo."

I equate Spanish to "on" for obvious reasons; namely because Spanish takes up so much more mental energy and focus. It's hard. Bottom line. Am I ready to have that switch flipped to Spanish for 3 whole months? I've wondered this every day since  I began the application process. This is certainly going to be the hardest thing I've ever done, and probably will ever do. Okay, sorry if this is going to end abruptly, but it's late, and I think I've done enough doubting myself.


Until next time,

"El mundo es un libro, y aquellos que no viajan leen solo una pagina."